


Helping Chas With his Technique

by Elijah_Partridge



Category: Constantine (2005), Constantine (TV), Hellraiser (Comics), ねこあつめ | Neko Atsume: Kitty Collector
Genre: Blood, Blood and Gore, Cleaning, F/M, First Dates, Fucking, Hell Whorehouse, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-05-28 08:31:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6322324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elijah_Partridge/pseuds/Elijah_Partridge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chas has a hot date, but is worried about his performance, Constantine has a novel idea to sort him out. Both Characters are 18.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Constantine is drinking black coffee and smoking Silk Cuts while Chas is furtively staring into his Latte. He can’t concentrate, he keeps on seeing them, he's staring at things that shouldn’t be there.

Constantine, smoke hanging out of his mouth, fishes into his cigarette pack to grab another one and he finds it empty and crushes the pack. “I’m gonna head round to grab some fags, be back” he says as he gets up and heads for the door.

Chas staring into his Latte, looking out of the corner of his eye if the hot girl he met at a party last week is noticing him. Chas can barely remember the date they scheduled. He notices she isn't at her seat before feeling a hand on his back.

“Chas! I thought I saw you over here with your weird friend,” Amy says as she drapes her arm across his shoulders.

“Oh hey, yeah John just popped out to grab some cig’s,” Chas stammers, a grin and some blush spreading across his face.

“I was getting worried that you got to drunk to remember the date we made for tonight on Friday?” Amy asks while lightly rubbing his shoulder.

“Oh no,” says Chas, “of course I remember I’ll meet you tonight at the Saint Micheal bar at 9.”

Amy beams at him, lightly strokes his chin with her hand and wetly kisses his cheek, “see you tonight Chas.” Amy smiles and lightly brushes Chas’s thigh before walking out the door.

Constantine walks back to the table holding his pack of Silk Cuts, notices Chas’s obvious boner and he gives it a quick flick. “So tonight’s the night with that Amy chick then Chas?” he asks. “Do you need a tug job in the john to get rid of that tent, or do you want to deal with it yourself?” Constantine says as he taps a fresh smoke on his pack and lights it. “You were three sheets at that party mate, I wasn’t sure if you’d remembered that,” he says through a cloud of blue smoke.

“Fuck of John, I’m worried enough about this as it is without you trying to exorcise a demon out of my cock,” Chas sighs, staring into his Latte.

“Everything alright Chas there bruv?” ask Constantine, “need some advice for how to deal with that lass in the sack?”

“You know as well as anyone that I haven’t ever...” Chas stammers, “done it, you know?”

Constantine takes a drag off his smoke, “You’ll be fine mate, blow right of the top, then blow again as soon as your back in it.”

“But I like her John, I don’t want to let her down right away...” Chas says rolling the dregs of his Latte around the cup.

“I know this place we can take care of this my friend,” Constantine says, “the same place I learnt how to fuck before I lost it myself.”

“Fuck of John, I don’t want another rub session in the men's lav with you,” Chas spurts.

Constantine pulls a cig out of the pack and lights it off the butt of his old one, “I know a place we can go where there will be women to fuck for money,” he pulls out a wad of oddly shimmering bills labeled with an demonic language.

“Fuck John I can’t go overseas, the date is tonight,” say Chas looking at the foreign bills. “Besides I don’t want to catch VD on my first time!”

“Don’t worry Chas, this is Hell’s currency and they’re demons not women. Plus VD from hell doesn’t transfer back to this reality.” says Constantine, as he folds his demonic money and puts it back into his pocket. “The whorehouses in Hell are the best Chas, those girls, well demons will teach you things that aren’t even possible on earth.”

Chas looks at his empty Latte, and decides he’d better perform on his date tonight. “I’m in, as long as your sure nothing is going to follow me back.”

Constantine drops his fag into a half cup of black coffee, “Trust me Chas, Hell has the best whores in existence.”


	2. Chapter 2

As they are rounding the corner from the coffee shop Constantine makes them stop and buy some cat treats. On their way to their flat he starts looking into each alley for stray cats. “What are you doing John?” Chas asks John as he spreads cat treats in an alley.

“We got to get a cat Chas, they walk between the worlds and we're going to need one”

As Constantine is spreading out the treats, a nice orange calico starts meowing and eating them. He starts feeding the clean cat treats off of his hand, and deftly slips a knife under the cats collar cutting it off. “John! that’s a house cat, you can’t take him!”

“Me and this little guy are fast friends Chas, I can’t just leave him here all alone, he needs a home,” Constantine says as he picks up the house cat and heads out of the alley.

“Fucking hell John,” moans Chas.

Constantine and Chas tumble through the door of their flat, cat in tow. Constantine lays the cat on a pillow and puts some bonito bits in front of it. “I’m gonna call you ... Peaches little guy.” Peaches rubs his head on Johns hand before tucking into some food.

Constantine grabs a basin and fills it with water and places it on the floor. He grabs the cat and places it in front of the basin.

“So I’m going in first to make sure the location is right”

“I’ll watch and make sure everything is alright,” Chas says all nervous and excited to finally ... with something.

Constantine pats Chas on the shoulder ,”I’ll be back before the blink of an eye.”

“You need to leave though Chas,” John says looking Chas sternly in the eyes. Chas heads for the kitchen, “no, you need to leave the flat,” says Constantine.

Chas looks confused, but exits out the flat door, closing it behind him. It’s as if time slows, he hears the cat scream and then opens the door back up. Chas sees John panting in the chair, steam rising from his crotch. “I have us dialed right into the sweet shit my friend,” Constantine says as he massages his cock through his trousers. “You’ve got to see what they have in store,” he hands Chas a menu from the demonic-whorehouse. “Now take off you clothes and fill up the tub!”


	3. Chapter 3

“What the fuck John! you didn’t have to take your clothes off!” exclaims Chas at the prospect of undressing.

“I was just trying to save you some effort when you got down there, you won’t have forever,” says Constantine dismissively, “but if you don’t want something ruined, I’d leave it behind.”

Constantine turns the tap off as Chas finishes untying his shoes. When Chas is pulling his jumper over his head he asks, “so what do I do now?”

“Like I said before, get in the fucking tub, I’ll handle the rest,” answers Constantine, handing him a wad of shimmering hellish bills.

Chas steps into the ice cold water, swearing at Constantine, “Fucking Bullocks John you could’ve put some hot water in here, this is freezing!”

Constantine stares down Chas, “this is the right temperature, you’ll thank me later. Now sit down and lie back.” He touches Chas’s shoulder comfortingly as he shivers down into the bath.

“Okay, now put your head under for me mate,” Constantine says. Chas takes a few sharp breaths to steel himself against the icy cold, and lowers his head into the tub. Constantine tenderly rubs his shivering chest to comfort him.

Chas starts to feel the need to breath, he looks up a Constantine mouthing _stay under_ , Chas nods his head and does his best. He holds his breath until his lungs start to burn, and then grabs the sides of the tub to pull himself up. Constantine’s hand is firm on his chest holding him under, Chas looks up confused at Constantine. When Constantine doesn’t let him up for 10 seconds he starts to panic. “FUCKING HELL JOHN, LET ME UP!” Chas gurgles into the water, giving up his precious air. He struggles against Constantine but his hands are wet and can’t get a good grip on the sides of the tub. Chas feels his strength leaving him, he looks into John’s eyes through the ripply water lens. Chas starts to see black...

* * *

...and Chas comes to feeling a burning wind against his face. He looks around the crumbling baked remains of The City, burnt cars and toppled buildings across the horizon. “Fuck!” he thinks, “there is nothing here!” He sighs and turns around, and sees his tacky salvation. Chas stares at a lone building, standing fast against the scorching gale. It is two stories high, mostly covered in a gaudy neon sign that is blinking at him.

 **Madam Lily Ardat’s Succubus Funhouse and Horrors!!!**  
_Succubae! Demons! Demonesses!_

Four neon outlines of horned winged women blinkingly do the can-can at him. Chas gulps, “well I guess this is the spot.” Looking around the barren and burnt hellscape around him he decides to go inside. As he walks through the door he smells something distinctly sulfurous and earthy. He immediately pops an erection and rushes into the horrors.

* * *

John is drowning Chas. He sees the last glimmer of life fall out of him, and then the cold water starts to heat up. He notices the water start to boil from Chas’s crotch. His hands start to from the heat of the water. **IMMEDIATELY** the entire tubs starts to boil, “FUCK!” Constantine yells as he grabs Chas’s shirt and pulls him from the water.

A stream of steam-spunk spews from Chas’s trousers, painting the ceiling with a hissing bunch of gunk. “UUUHHHH!!!” Chas exclaims as he cums. John pulls him out of the tub, he's burning hot, panting, and coughing up water; his cock steam-cumming. He is careful to avoid the spurting steam-semen erupting from Chas’s swollen, reddened member, now protruding through the tattered hole in his pants. Steaming cum is now splattered across the bathroom, melting the paint. John looks at the cleaning job ahead of him and sighs, “the things you do for friends.” as Constantine holds Chas up his feet slide around the floor as he is finishing his hellish spurts.

“Oh my God John, you have no idea! There was this Succubus, and she and she was teaching me things John! Things I’ve never dreamt of! Then this incubus joined us and he started massaging my heart and my ...”

“CHAS!” Constantine exclaims, “I know all about it mate. Just remember that was in Hell, this is here, don’t mix the two up right? That shit doesn’t belong up here.”

“Sure thing bruv,” says Chas as Constantine pulls him out of his Hell Cummed clothes. “Chas, the water is plenty hot now, go wash all that cum and sulphur off yourself before your date,” said Constantine. Chas rips off his ragged clothes and hops back into the tub, “John I can’t thank you enough, I’m going to be ready if this date turns into anything.”

“Alright, Imma head out, maybe give the place a bit of a dust-up in case I bring her back John?” says Chas in his favourite jumper and running shoes. Chas walks confidently out the door when Constantine yells at him, “I’ll be back at the coffee shop! Call me there if you need anything.” Chas nods and leaves the flat.

Constantine smiles to himself, goes into the bathroom, grabbing a putty knife and ammonia from under the sink. He looks around at the steaming baked on Hell-cum with melting paint and gets to work. “The things you do for a mate,” he thinks as he starts to peel off the first bit of spunk.


	4. The Date From Hell

Constantine sees Chas off at the door, gives him a hug while carefully holding his smoke away from his friends back. He  says reassuringly, “don’t worry, I’ll scrub the bathroom in case your date goes well tonight.” Constantine walks into the bathroom and takes stock of the damage. He gets to work with the putty knife.

“Don’t’ worry mate, I’ll have this clean in case your date goes really well,” John says, “I’ll be at the coffee shop so you can have your privacy after dinner.”

“Thanks John,” says Chas as he walks out the door.

Constantine takes a look around the bathroom and thinks “Fuck me.” He sees Peaches lapping up some particularly sulfurous cum and shoes him out the door. He lights a Silk Cut, takes out his putty knife and starts to work on the semen and melted paint in the bathroom.

* * *

Chas and Amy have finish dinner at the <Horse and Crowns pub>. “Do you want to go to Harry’s party tonight Chas?” Amy asks. “I was hoping that we could just hang out some more together to be honest,” says Chas as he brushes her hand laying on the table.

Amy blushes, and smiles at him, “I was kinda of hoping for that Chas,” she says darting her eyes down at his name. “Do you want to finish these drinks and go back to your flat?” she asks, smirking at him.

* * *

Chas and Amy walk back to the flat hand in hand. They tell each other jokes and stories, bumping shoulders once with acknowledgment.

“I didn’t think you would ask me back to your flat Chas, I thought that I would have to make all the moves,”

“Don’t worry, I have moves that you haven’t dreamt of.”

* * *

Constantine sits in the coffee shop, drinking a cup of sweet goodness and smoking a Silk Cut as he's flipping through the pages of the Malleus Maleficarum trying to learn where had gone wrong in the past. He hears a phone ringing in the shop, which is odd as it is 11pm.

“John Constantine?” he hears the clerk shout out.

“Yes.”

“Phone call for you,” says the clerk while holding out a black Bakelite receiver.

“Uhh, hello?”

“John! Holy shit, you’ve got to help me, oh god I don’t know what I’ve done,” weeped Chas.

“Chas, slow down, what’s going on?”

“There’s blood everywhere, oh god John what did I do?”

“Hold on mate, I’m on my way,” John says as he slams the receiver down. He walks back to his table, takes one last drag of his cigarette, gulps back his coffee and takes off.

* * *

John opens the door to a frantic, naked and blood covered Chas.

“John come quick!” Chas says, leading John into the horror show bedroom.

Blood is dripping of the flesh clinging to the ceiling. The forearm on the nightstand is dripping blood of off a splintered bone into a pool on the carpet beneath. A leg is slowly sliding down the wall on half congealed blood, the other hangs onto the torso by a tattered rope of skin next to the bed. The bed is a deep burgundy, only betraying a few patches of the sheets true white. Her torso was still there, a tail of a backbone protruding out from the fractured remains of her lower ribcage. Her head is still lying on the pillow, a look of defiant ecstasy on her face, except for the few fractured teeth driven into the headboard. Peaches is dug almost all the way into the ribcage, showing only a flickering tail, and a cat-asshole.

“What did you do?” Constantine whispers.

“I tried the stuff I learnt down south. Wasn’t that why you sent me down there in the first place?”

“I told you that you couldn’t bring any of that up here with you!” John yells. “Things up here don’t hold up well against the  
sceleratis-sutra.”

“Fucking hell John, I didn’t know...” sobs Chas, lowering his blood soaked head into his equally blood soaked arms.

John comforts his friend, holds him by the shoulder as he walks him into the bathroom. “There’s nothing to be done about it now Chas. She ended her time here on earth in unholy pleasure, and now resides in a holy place,” John says comfortingly to Chas, “Probably.”

“John you mean she could be in...” Chas blurts out.

“Only that she was going where she was going before all this, no helping that.”

As the bath is filling, Constantine combs the flesh out of Chas’s pubic hair, wetting it before pulling it off from around his cock.

“Get into the tub and wash yourself off, I’ll deal with this mess.”

John rolls up his sleeves, lights a Silk Cut, grabs Peaches by the tail,  throwing him out the window and gets to work. He looks at his putting knife and wonders if he shouldn’t grab something larger to scrape the walls.


End file.
